Not So Grateful

Of all the changes that take place when you’re first married, there was one I loved the most. Sleeping together. Before you think this is some crude post, I’ll elaborate. There was something about not having to say “goodbye” at night. Remember those days when you wanted to spend every single moment together, and any moments apart felt like forever? That is what I loved about being able to sleep together. Brandon and I fell asleep and as soon as the next day became new, before we even opened our eyes, we were together. Sounds like mushy newlywed stuff, but I think I’m even more grateful for it today, because there are some days it’s the only time we spend together. We may be asleep, but hey, we’re together.

Those early days of marriage were when I began expressing how grateful I was to be alive.

I’d say to Brandon, “I’m so grateful the Lord allowed me to live so I could be your wife.”

Again, it may sound so mushy that it’s almost nauseating. But I spoke it from a heart who had questioned God so many times why He let me live. Honestly, from a heart who had once felt upset that He let me live. The road of recovery, both physically and emotionally, was unbearable at times. So unbearable that I would have rather not walked it. At least that’s what I thought when I was on the journey.

The gratitude has grown over the years from wife, to wife and mom.

A Facebook comment stirred it up recently for me. One of my doctors who cared for me after my burn injury commented on my daughter’s pictures from her freshman formal. I replied, “Dr. Kramer—thank you for doing what you do, so I could do this. I’m so grateful I got to live to be her mom.”

But I probably should’ve added “today.” “I’m so grateful I got to live to be her mom today.” Because friends, let me tell you there have been some days I’ve questioned it. There have been some days that I’ve allowed my thoughts to consider how much better, how much happier and how much more peaceful my family would be if someone else were performing the wife and the mom role in this family.

In fact, I was having some of those thoughts the day before my birthday.

This is what I journaled,

3/22—At the end of my life- or now for that matter- is anyone going to feel benefitted by the life I was able to live? Will anyone feel blessed or grateful that I didn’t die at 7-- that my life was spared? Or will they just feel happy it is over?

Why, oh why would I share something so raw with you? Well, because perhaps you’ve allowed your thoughts to go down a similar negative route.

And why, oh why would I have even thought such things? Had there been a problem? Had there been an emotional explosion in our home? Well, no, not this time.

First of all, I do hope my life is one lived to give and to bless others.  But also, I was feeling a little down, okay, well, maybe considering my journal entry I was feeling downright down, about my birthday. And downright down about myself.

It’s been a challenging year. I’ve wanted to run away from home on more than one occasion. I think we all have. If not, stop reading and start praying for mamas like me.  I mean who wouldn’t prefer a nice cool drink on a nice warm beach over the responsibilities and obstacles of raising your people at times? It’s not all puppy dogs and rainbows everyday in The Meadows Home, or in any home for that matter.

So how do we combat the negative thoughts? How can we find gratitude in a trial?

#1— remember what is true from what is emotion. We have to guard our hearts from the disease of negative emotion. Getting caught up in the emotion clouds what is true. Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

#2—remember there is a reason we were given an armor. We can’t forget that we are in a battle, which is why we have armor. We’ve got to make sure we have it on to combat the attacks- whether they’re external or internal. Ephesians 6:14-17 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

This story isn’t over, but as usual, in my posts and in my life, I’ve exceeded my word limit. I hope you come back for the next post so I can share with you a great story about loving one another.

For now, may you feel a little encouraged to know you’re not the only one who lets negative thoughts run loose at times. May you feel gratitude knowing God is with you and loves you, whether you’re standing in the battle or sitting on the beach.

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Thank You

High school football games were quite the event every Friday night in our hometown.  My high school didn’t reach 5A until my senior year.  But even before that, we had a pretty snazzy 4A team.  I remember back to my sophomore year in high school.  My parents and I went to every single game.  We weren’t going for anyone in particular; no relatives on the team or anything.  We were simply a part of the community and it was a way to show our support and involvement. As much fun as we had, I’ll never forget something that use to spark a bit of irritation in me.  It was when the game would get down to the wire so to speak.  We’d either need a field goal, or some game saving play.  One of the players would start waving his arms to get the crowd to cheer.  I wanted to say, “Hey, that’s the cheerleaders’ job!”    Nevertheless, we’d all, already standing to our feet start to scream even louder declaring our praise and reassurance.

It’s the same kind of feeling I get when I watch award shows and the recipient makes the comment, “I’d like to thank my fans.”  It just sounds so boisterous and somewhat conceited.  It’s for that very reason that I’ve never really liked the “follow” link on this blog. Who wants to be a follower anyway?  Didn’t we all get the message about being independent and having leadership qualities?

Regardless of the lingo, we know that these are all ways for us to express our support, to give our approval, to provide our encouragement.  It’s a way for us to state: “I believe in what you’re doing;” “I agree with what you say;” “I want you to keep going.”  These are the blessings that I have received from you, my precious readers and commenters.

I could have never anticipated what God had in store for this blog.  It was and is a daily step of obedience to open my life and share with you all.  This is vulnerability and humility like I’ve never known.  It’s so easy to put our confident and sometimes, even prideful faces on for the world.  It’s another thing to strip it away and share those hidden insecurities and inadequacies, those most heartfelt thoughts, deepest prayers and magnificent visions.

The words posted and messaged to me since Heather’s Blessed JouRNey, got up and running six months ago are treasures.  Like the one from Michelle, who went to school with my brother Jon.  She commented on 25 Years Later.

I still remember seeing the smoke from my house that day… I think of Jon often and remember what a special friend he was to me. Even though I was only 8 I remember that he would never let anyone go without a treat on bake sale day. I remember asking him if he was really sure if he had enough money to be buying everyone treats. He just smiled and said, “of course I I do.” He lifted everyone around him up. If I was having trouble with school work or just having a bad day he would give me that smile of his and make my day brighter. You are so much like him: warm, kind, and gentle. Jon was so willing to love people just like you!! Love, Michelle

Or the one recently, from Kim, a friend from high school.

Heather, I'm sure you get this from everyone that follows your blog...but I have to tell you how much I love reading them! You never fail to either give me chills or make me cry. You touch my heart every time. I want to tell you what an amazing woman you are and how you are such an inspiration. You have gone through so much in your life, and still you appear to be one of the happiest people I know. You have such a heart of gold. On the other hand, I must tell you what a freak of nature you are! I'm putting you up there in the rare category with Erika Cheatham...you two are the only two that just keep getting prettier the older you get! How do you do that?! It's not fair! Lol! ;) Anyway, it was weighing on my heart to let you know what a beautiful person you are inside and out. You can't say that about many people but I feel you are a genuine woman. I'm honored to call you my friend. And those lil nicu babies are lucky they have you to care for them :) xoxo

I share these to show that when we follow God’s will, even if we’re concerned that people will think we’re crazy, even if we’re inhibited to share those things we keep hidden; that our blessing will be far greater than our sacrifice.

How could I not return to give my very simple offerings?

John 15:5 (NIV) says, “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.

I am absolutely nothing without Jesus.  My efforts writing here are in vain without Him.  My work as a nurse is futile without His anointing.  My role as a mother is ineffective without His guidance.  My commitment to my husband is empty without His love. He is everything and He makes something of anything I give to Him, as evidence by your gracious support of my humble contributions.

Thank you! Thank you, for reading so faithfully.  Thank you, for sharing with your family and your friends.  Thank you, for taking a moment to post those invaluable comments.  Thank you, for giving back to my life, more than what I’m sure I could have ever given to yours.

Bless you, readers!

Because of your support, I've had the privilege to share with....

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